We’ve all been there.
You see a cute girl slide up to the bar a few feet away from you. You know you should say something, anything. So you take a few deep breaths, center your chi, think of a few things to say aaaaand… never actually approach. Maybe she left before you finished psyching yourself up, maybe another guy started talking to her first, or maybe you just talked yourself out of it in those few seconds of thinking about it at the bar.
After all, nobody likes rejection. Approaching a hot girl is putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable to a complete stranger isn’t easy, and no matter how good you get you ARE going to face rejection.
Well let me tell you- as a guy who’s gotten pretty good at attracting women, approach anxiety is never going to go away. The internal tension you feel when you see a hot girl is always going to rear its ugly head. The only thing that changes as you get more experienced is how you deal with and manage that tension. It’s like they say:
Here’s my 6 tips to dealing with and overcoming approach anxiety in any situation.
1. Embrace the tension
Rejection sucks. The best pick up artists all admit to feeling intimidated by those high quality women we all want to attract. The difference between the newbies and the gurus is their attitude toward this tension. Newbies run from it and avoid tension in their lives; guys with solid inner game realize that tension is a vital part of living an interesting life.
You know what’s a great way to never feel any tension in your life? Work in a comfortable job that pays a moderate salary, and spend most nights sitting on your couch playing video games instead of going outside your comfort zone.
Tension is a healthy thing- it reminds us we’re alive. Instead of running from the anxiety and nervousness you feel when you think about approaching a girl, take a moment and really feel that anxiety inside you, smile, and go in for it anyways. Just by approaching you’ve already accomplished more than 90% of the guys out there.
2. Recognize your social skills are fluid
Some days you just aren’t in the right mood to be your most social self. It could be a rough week at work, drama in your personal life, or just that you’re particularly tired or out of it one night. The point is some days you’re just ON and can talk to anyone and other days you can’t keep up a conversation if your life depended on it. This doesn’t mean you’re only as good as you are on your worst days- we all have off days.
The problem is, so many guys let that get in their heads and they internalize having an off day as being bad with women. “I couldn’t even talk to the fat chick at work today, I suck at picking up women.” Remember, learning to be attractive doesn’t happen overnight, or even over a few weeks or months. It’s something you work on over the course of a lifetime, and you never really stop learning. As you keep improving you’ll have less and less “off” days so even if yesterday was crappy, today is a new chance to absolutely rock.
3. Start being social EVERYWHERE
Approach anxiety doesn’t start the moment you see a hot girl. It’s something many guys face every waking moment of their lives, they just don’t realize it because they’re not always trying to attract women. The problem is, if you work a crappy desk job 40 hours a week, and stay mostly quiet or shut in until the weekends, then how can you expect to magically become the attractive, outgoing alpha male the second 6:00PM Friday night rolls around?
Getting over approach anxiety starts the moment you wake up- say hi to your neighbor as you leave for work. Start a conversation with a stranger at the office or at school. Smile at the cute girl in line at lunch. The little actions you choose to do (or not do) throughout the day build up momentum and create your “state.” If you’re having trouble being social at the bar, then make a point to start at least 10-20 conversations throughout the day before you go out.
Your subconscious will see how outgoing you’re being, and the small successes in making someone laugh or making a cute girl smile will build up and inspire confidence in your ability to approach once you’re in the club. You can’t fool your subconscious mind, so start forcing yourself to be social every chance you get and you’ll be surprised at how natural approaching becomes over time.
4. Look for little successes
Many guys feel they’re “only as good as their last approach.” For this type of guy it doesn’t matter if he went home with a Playboy Bunny last night; if that semi-cute girl at the bar rejects him tonight he’ll go home feeling absolutely worthless. Even if you make 10 approaches and only get 1 positive response, then recognize that success for what it is. It can be hard not to focus on the 9 failures but think about it- at the end of the night you only need 1 girl to say “yes” so don’t get your panties in a bunch if you seem to be striking out early on.
5. Focus on the process and not on the outcomes
I picked this up from my time studying Brazilian jiu Jitsu. As a white belt I constantly got my ass kicked by higher belt ranks. In fact for the first 6 months I didn’t win a single fight; I showed up 3x a week and got choked, arm-barred, and crushed repeatedly. All you can do is trust the process of training and ignore the fact that you’re getting your ass kicked up and down the floor.
Most guys define success at a bar by the phone numbers they get, or if they go home with a girl at the end of the night. Recognize that approaching in itself is a huge positive because most guys don’t even have the balls to start a conversation with a hot girl. By sacking up and approaching you’re improving your skills, even if your sets aren’t going anywhere. Once you realize this the sting of rejection suddenly isn’t so bad, because it really doesn’t matter if you succeed with any one girl- you’re building skills that will last a lifetime.
6. Realize she’s not rejecting you
She might just be in a relationship. Or on a girls night out. Or she might only be into black guys. Whatever.
The point is a lot of guys take “no” personally, as in the girl is rejecting them as a person. Guys let me say- she just might not be feelin’ it that night. You could be Brad Pitt and approach her and she’s just not having any of it because of whatever she’s feeling. So don’t beat yourself up when a girl says no- just chalk it up and move on.
Those 6 tips are what helped me deal with my approach anxiety. I still feel it almost every night I go out, but I just shrug it off and recognize that I’m getting better with every approach, regardless of what she says.
What are your best tips for dealing with approach anxiety? Share it up in the comments =D