How to Beat Approach Anxiety Once and for All

We’ve all been there.

You see a cute girl slide up to the bar a few feet away from you. You know you should say something, anything. So you take a few deep breaths, center your chi, think of a few things to say aaaaand… never actually approach. Maybe she left before you finished psyching yourself up, maybe another guy started talking to her first, or maybe you just talked yourself out of it in those few seconds of thinking about it at the bar.

After all, nobody likes rejection. Approaching a hot girl is putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable to a complete stranger isn’t easy, and no matter how good you get you ARE going to face rejection.

Well let me tell you- as a guy who’s gotten pretty good at attracting women, approach anxiety is never going to go away. The internal tension you feel when you see a hot girl is always going to rear its ugly head. The only thing that changes as you get more experienced is how you deal with and manage that tension. It’s like they say:

Here’s my 6 tips to dealing with and overcoming approach anxiety in any situation.

1. Embrace the tension

Rejection sucks. The best pick up artists all admit to feeling intimidated by those high quality women we all want to attract. The difference between the newbies and the gurus is their attitude toward this tension. Newbies run from it and avoid tension in their lives; guys with solid inner game realize that tension is a vital part of living an interesting life.

You know what’s a great way to never feel any tension in your life? Work in a comfortable job that pays a moderate salary, and spend most nights sitting on your couch playing video games instead of going outside your comfort zone.

Tension is a healthy thing- it reminds us we’re alive. Instead of running from the anxiety and nervousness you feel when you think about approaching a girl, take a moment and really feel that anxiety inside you, smile, and go in for it anyways. Just by approaching you’ve already accomplished more than 90% of the guys out there.

Donald Glover, being correct.

2. Recognize your social skills are fluid

Some days you just aren’t in the right mood to be your most social self. It could be a rough week at work, drama in your personal life, or just that you’re particularly tired or out of it one night. The point is some days you’re just ON and can talk to anyone and other days you can’t keep up a conversation if your life depended on it. This doesn’t mean you’re only as good as you are on your worst days- we all have off days.

The problem is, so many guys let that get in their heads and they internalize having an off day as being bad with women. “I couldn’t even talk to the fat chick at work today, I suck at picking up women.” Remember, learning to be attractive doesn’t happen overnight, or even over a few weeks or months. It’s something you work on over the course of a lifetime, and you never really stop learning. As you keep improving you’ll have less and less “off” days so even if yesterday was crappy, today is a new chance to absolutely rock.

3. Start being social EVERYWHERE

If you want to be social at the bars Friday night, then you need to be more social every day of the week.

Approach anxiety doesn’t start the moment you see a hot girl. It’s something many guys face every waking moment of their lives, they just don’t realize it because they’re not always trying to attract women. The problem is, if you work a crappy desk job 40 hours a week, and stay mostly quiet or shut in until the weekends, then how can you expect to magically become the attractive, outgoing alpha male the second 6:00PM Friday night rolls around?

Getting over approach anxiety starts the moment you wake up- say hi to your neighbor as you leave for work. Start a conversation with a stranger at the office or at school. Smile at the cute girl in line at lunch. The little actions you choose to do (or not do) throughout the day build up momentum and create your “state.” If you’re having trouble being social at the bar, then make a point to start at least 10-20 conversations throughout the day before you go out.

Your subconscious will see how outgoing you’re being, and the small successes in making someone laugh or making a cute girl smile will build up and inspire confidence in your ability to approach once you’re in the club. You can’t fool your subconscious mind, so start forcing yourself to be social every chance you get and you’ll be surprised at how natural approaching becomes over time.

4. Look for little successes

Many guys feel they’re “only as good as their last approach.” For this type of guy it doesn’t matter if he went home with a Playboy Bunny last night; if that semi-cute girl at the bar rejects him tonight he’ll go home feeling absolutely worthless. Even if you make 10 approaches and only get 1 positive response, then recognize that success for what it is. It can be hard not to focus on the 9 failures but think about it- at the end of the night you only need 1 girl to say “yes” so don’t get your panties in a bunch if you seem to be striking out early on.

5. Focus on the process and not on the outcomes

I picked this up from my time studying Brazilian jiu Jitsu. As a white belt I constantly got my ass kicked by higher belt ranks. In fact for the first 6 months I didn’t win a single fight; I showed up 3x a week and got choked, arm-barred, and crushed repeatedly. All you can do is trust the process of training and ignore the fact that you’re getting your ass kicked up and down the floor.

Most guys define success at a bar by the phone numbers they get, or if they go home with a girl at the end of the night. Recognize that approaching in itself is a huge positive because most guys don’t even have the balls to start a conversation with a hot girl. By sacking up and approaching you’re improving your skills, even if your sets aren’t going anywhere. Once you realize this the sting of rejection suddenly isn’t so bad, because it really doesn’t matter if you succeed with any one girl- you’re building skills that will last a lifetime.

6. Realize she’s not rejecting you

She might just be in a relationship. Or on a girls night out. Or she might only be into black guys. Whatever.

The point is a lot of guys take “no” personally, as in the girl is rejecting them as a person. Guys let me say- she just might not be feelin’ it that night. You could be Brad Pitt and approach her and she’s just not having any of it because of whatever she’s feeling. So don’t beat yourself up when a girl says no- just chalk it up and move on.

 

Those 6 tips are what helped me deal with my approach anxiety. I still feel it almost every night I go out, but I just shrug it off and recognize that I’m getting better with every approach, regardless of what she says.

What are your best tips for dealing with approach anxiety? Share it up in the comments =D

How to Magnetically Attract Any Woman

You’re not my type.”

“Uhh… what?”

Sorry, but I’m just not attracted to you. You’re not my type.”

“Oh. My bad.”

That combination of words has stung more men than just about any other phrase in the English language, with the exception of “let’s just be friends.” They especially stung coming from the lips of this girl Erika I’d been flirting with for a week or two prior to that exchange. What I’m about to tell you will ensure you’ll never hear those words again for the rest of your life.

Friend zoning: don't let it happen to you.

This was several years ago as I was just starting to develop any sort of ability to attract women. I’d been doing pretty successful actually- I had hooked up with a different girl each weekend for the 2 weeks prior to flirting with Erika. This sort of success was unheard of for me at the time, and as a result I was feeling pretty confident in my ability to attract women.

So as you can imagine, my ego took a pretty hard fall when I heard those four words: “you’re not my type.”

For several months following this incident I refused to get over it. I should have simply chalked it up as a learning experience and gotten over her, but instead I did the worst thing I could have done: internalized the experience by endlessly thinking about it.

I should have bantered and built more attraction before making my move like that.”

“Maybe if I was more attractive and in better shape she wouldn’t have shot me down.”

“Next time I’ll say X to her to win her over…”

Sound familiar?

When Erika told me I wasn’t her type I kept thinking about what her “type” was and how I could fit myself into that mold. What drove me even crazier was the guys I had seen her hook up with were like me- young, athletic, middle class white guys that wore too-tight Abercrombie shirts and high-fived way too much. What did they have that I didn’t?

Obviously- I couldn’t have been more WRONG in how I handled things. In fact, despite my two successes leading up to this “failure” with Erika, I went on to have a four month dry spell. Can you pinpoint specifically where I went wrong?

Yes, I was being needy/approval seeking and had a scarcity mindset, but those are both symptoms of a deeper problem: I was defining myself based on what other people thought about me, or rather what I THOUGHT other people thought about me. In other words, I was externally validating.

How to get away from external validation

I’ve said this a lot here at Inner Game Attraction, and I’ll keep saying it until guys everywhere get it: the secret to developing rock-solid inner game is to figure out your life purpose and what steps you need to take to achieve that purpose. A man that knows why he’s here and where he’s going isn’t swayed by little shit like whether or not some girl approves or finds him attractive. He’s too busy getting shit done and creating a life worth living. It’s this attitude about making your life as badass as possible that will have women coming out of the woodwork to hit on you.

Finding your purpose can be a daunting task when you first think about it, but really it isn’t as tough as it seems. Try the following exercises to get on the right track and after a few weeks you’ll start to see some major changes in your life:

Focus on the positive

A big lesson learned from my story with Erika was not to let one negative interaction get inside my head. I had hooked up with two equally fun and cute girls in the weeks before flirting with Erika- a HUGE accomplishment for me at the time. And what did I focus on? There’s a saying characteristic of guys with great outer game but no inner that goes:

you’re only as good as your last lay.”

I had adopted this poisonous mindset and was letting a single rejection define me as a person and also as a man. Take a few minutes and write down some recent things you’ve done and frame them in the positive. Ask yourself “why am I so great at X?” or “What makes me so attractive to women?” And then think of some reasons why.

Are you making a living, or a life?

A lot of guys have terrible inner game because they hate their jobs. Being forced to spend 40+ hours a week doing something you hate makes it tough to be excited for the other parts of your life. Guys who hate what they spend the bulk of their time doing try to make up for it with things- suits, cars, bottle service at clubs. But like my buddy Santiago said: “a fast car that drives me to a job I hate is doing me no favors.”

If your life looks like this you need to do some thinking.

These guys think that the more cool stuff they have, they’ll gain admiration from others and finally have their choice of women. Sadly, the only women they’ll ever get to choose from are equally shallow, only interested in status or money. If you want to attract a truly goddess-like woman that’s beautiful, fun, AND interesting then you need to re-examine your job.

Know when to call in the experts

Sometimes the best way to figure out what’s keeping you back in developing your inner game is to talk and listen to other guys who have walked the walk. The pickup podcast by AJ and Jordan Harbinger is a great free resource for guys looking to learn from other top inner game gurus. I also like what Joshua Pellicer has to say in his the Tao of Badass program. Josh is onto some good stuff with how to quickly bring your inner game up to badass levels and is a great guy to boot.

Anyways…

To bring things full circle, two weeks ago I started casually seeing this cute girl named Aimee who keeps telling me “you’re not my type.” Aimee is a white girl that’s into asian culture – and men – and I’m actually only the 2nd white guy she’s ever been with. And every time after we hook up, she finds some way to mention “you’re not my type,” almost as if she’s trying to figure out what just happened.

I just smile and nod. I know what happened.

Changing Your Inner Voice

One of the cardinal rules to Inner Game development is to never underestimate the power of your own thoughts. The hectic, stressful and complicated lives we often lead can fool us into thinking that our emotions can be permanently contained within a few cubic inches of our cranium. In our culture, most of us boys were trained from early childhood to hide and suppress feelings of discontent under threat of ridicule if you happened to show any vulnerability in your character.

For a lot of guys out there, this cycle of hiding, containing and suppressing these discontented feelings continues into adulthood. Generally it is not acceptable for us guys to show some of our true feelings, so they remain bottled up inside our head. These negative feelings start to fester, and infect increasingly greater portions of our conscious thoughts. When all the bad stuff floating around in our noggins is too much to bare, we start to act out in one way or another. In attempt to escape the beast living inside our head we turn to drugs, alcohol, food, living in fantasy or completely spiral out of control in a fit of depression or rage.

Is there a way to stop this cycle of building up bad emotions only to end up exploding like Mount St. Helens? Absolutely.

Give your feelings the respect they deserve

The first thing an emotionally troubled guy has to do is start giving their feelings more respect. We can’t just feel an emotion, shrug, and haphazardly throw it in a box never to be seen again, even though we can fool ourselves into believing that will make the feeling go away. Our emotions have a way of creeping back, and start to affect the way we think about ourselves; they re-manifest to become our inner voice, also known as our conscious thoughts.

Believe it or not, we always end up attracting the reality we are thinking in our heads. It is a subtle, but entirely real phenomenon. If your mind is incessantly dwelling on negative thoughts, you will continually find yourself around negative people and negative situations. The opposite is also true. If you are feeling great, you will start to attract the positive things into your life.

Start to realize the true power of your emotions. They are the driving force behind the reality you live every single moment, so you should give them the respect they deserve.

Take time to reflect

How do you give emotions respect? You reflect! A cool mnemonic device if I do say so myself.

Instead of trying to throw your bad feelings into a box, you need to get to the true source of why you feel uncomfortable. Before you pop your favorite anti-depressant (which I like to call a depressive suppressant, because I firmly believe they DO NOT actually solve your problems) think about the source of those bad feelings. Are you upset with your relationships? A job? A lack of ability in some area?

Take time to pinpoint what is making you hurt inside, and reflect on constructive ways you can cure the emotional pain. Yes, that’s a tall order. If you are accustomed to a cycle of bottling up bad feelings and drowning them in mind-altering drugs or other hedonistic pursuits you have a long road to travel. You must accept you need to improve your character, and believe that the long road to improving your Inner Game is one worth traveling. We all have our own very specific inner-battles. There are no easy answers.

Love yourself

If you are looking to improve your Inner Game because your love life is on the rocks, you need to learn how to truly love yourself.  How can anyone else love you if you don’t love yourself first? Start genuinely accepting yourself for who you are, what makes you special and love yourself for it.

If you hate yourself and are constantly criticizing who you are and telling yourself things like: “I hate myself.” “Why am I so fucking stupid all the time?” and “I never do anything right.” You will attract people, relationships and other situations into your life that will re-enforce those beliefs.

STOP.

For most of my life I was guilty of talking to myself this way, and was quite depressed. To start loving myself, and to start attracting happiness and abundance into my life I began doing a simple exercise that sounds crazy, but it works.

Every morning, find yourself a mirror and look at yourself directly in the eyes and smile. Say “I love you.” to yourself in the mirror. Repeat as many times as necessary until you start feeling love and positive energy flowing through your mind and body. This is Oxytocin for all you science types out there who don’t want to hear any ‘metaphysical bullshit.’ Its a real chemical that naturally resides in everyone’s heads, and its also an anti-depressant that actually works.

Ask positive questions of yourself

This is another trick I did to change my own inner voice. It is a way of re-framing the negative, destructive questions I was asking myself like: “Why are no girls ever interested in me?” “Why am I so lazy?”

Note that destructive questions like these put your logical, egotistical brain on a quest to find the answers. Your brain is now on a feedback loop to spit out negative answers which confirm the negative opinions you have of yourself.

Instead, take whatever negative questions you are reflexively asking yourself and turn them into positive questions. So, I started flipping any of my negative questions and opinions of myself upside down. I began asking myself: “Why are girls so magnetically attracted to me?” and “Why do I have such a ridiculous abundance of energy to accomplish anything I want to?”

Create questions in the form of: ‘Why am I so great at _____(positive action)?’ ‘How come I am so awesome at _____(positive ability)?’ You get the idea.  Replace the negative feedback loops of questions and answers in your head with its positive polar opposite.

Try it now.

Take out the head trash

Recognize ungrounded bad thoughts for what they are. Trash.

So many guys out there suffer from believing negative things that are  completely untrue about themselves. When you have a self-deprecating opinion of yourself, step back and ask yourself if it is actually true. Is that just your opinion or an actual fact? Again, take time to reflect.

Sure, we all have our actual shortcomings; nobody is perfect. However, when you take a step back you will realize far more of your perceived problems have to do with a bad self-esteem rather than actual concrete problems. This way you can effectively sort out the actual things you need to work on, versus the ridiculous negative things you imagine about yourself.

Once you start recognizing bad opinions of yourself that have no grounding in reality, laugh at them. This is your head trash. Laugh at how ridiculous it was for you to believe that these horrid things were actually true. Laughter makes you feel good, and takes away the power this negative opinion had on you. Humor is a very effective way to throw out your head trash.

Be Grateful

During your reflective moments list all of the positive things you have going in your life, and be thankful for each one of them. Every time you think of something you are thankful for say ‘thank you’ out loud. If you are a spiritual person say ‘Thank you’ to your god or gods. Even if you are a complete atheist say ‘thank you’ out loud anyways because saying it will naturally inspire feelings of positive gratitude.

On those rough days, when it seems impossible to say ‘thank you’ for anything in particular, say it anyways. At the very least, be thankful that you are alive, be thankful that you are going to live this day to improve yourself and be thankful that you are thankful, because so many people are not.

When we are thinking about things we are thankful for, we are thinking about positive things and displacing our negative emotions.

Each day we have is a gift. Be thankful for it.

 

 

How to Stay Motivated and Achieve Your Goals With Women

Ever wonder why you start off strong when trying to make a change in your life, only to lose your drive within a matter of weeks? One day you’re determined and kicking ass, the next day it’s a chore to do the thing you know you should be doing.

It could be you trying to get better with girls, weight you’re trying to lose, or a business you’re trying to build. The end goal can be anything important to you and your journey for inner game, it doesn’t matter. Some days it seems effortless to stick to your plan and other days it feels like everything is stacked against you, no matter how hard you try to motivate yourself.

“Yeah but it’s Sarah’s birthday today and she brought a cake in for the office, I guess I can break my diet this once.”

or

“Nah I’m not really feeling that social tonight. I’m gonna stay in and watch some Netflix.”

These are the days you make excuses and listen to that little voice inside your head that tries to prevent you from succeeding. Here’s how to shut that little fucker up and take control: use push and pull motivators.

Push and pull motivators

Think back to when you first start any new pursuit. I like to use dieting  as an example because it’s such a common frustration for a lot of guys, but this obviously applies to pickup and social dynamics as well.

Think back to the last time you made a resolution to get better at something: what made you start in the first place? Did you look in the mirror one day and realize you needed to lose some weight? Or maybe you got rejected by a girl and you vowed to get better with women. This is called a push motivator and is any state or experience you want to push yourself away from. This is how the majority of people motivate themselves and it works great!

…at first.

With push motivators you’re really fired up at the beginning because the push stimulus is so prominent in your mind. But as you start to improve and time passes the sting of the push motivator starts to fade, and so does your energy and motivation.

Push motivators lose effectiveness over time... unless it's a T-rex chasing you.

 

As you probably guessed, a pull motivator is a goal that inspires you to achieve it. It’s not something you should ever feel you have to work for; a true pull motivator is something that, if you do not achieve it, you might as well be dead. You’ll never become better at talking to women if you have to force yourself to do it every night. You have to truly want to do it, otherwise you’ll never achieve your true potential.

I’ve seen so many guys get frustrated with their inability to attract women and start on a journey of personal development, only to quit 3 months later when they get comfortable and start dating the first girl they hook up with. Or they lose 5-10 pounds, see a bit of a difference in the mirror, and decide it’s good enough and quit their diet there.

Self improvement isn’t a weekend retreat or an epic vacation. It isn’t even a 3 month backpacking trip across eastern Europe. Self improvement is a lifelong journey that rewards endurance and consistency.

Do some thinking and identify some pull motivators in the key areas of your life you’d like to improve. Once you know what those are, realize that pursuing them is the most important thing you can be doing with your time and don’t settle for anything less than the best. You’ll be amazed at how much easier getting what you want becomes when you focus on what really matters and put everything else on pause.

All you have to do is reframe your own motivations and see yourself moving toward a kickass future instead of moving away from a shitty past. I know which way I’d rather do things.

The Inner Game Epiphany

They call it an epiphany; a moment of clarity. That moment a light goes off in your head, somewhere deep in your psyche that puts the various parts of your life in perspective.

That’s what my friend Santiago was experiencing in the limbo between drunk and sober at 5 am on a Monday morning as he fought to stay awake at a food court Sbarros in Las Vegas. Let’s go back to the beginning.

“If you can’t get laid is Las Vegas, there’s something wrong with you.”

That’s what Santiago said the week before our trip out. He had been on a bit of a dry spell with the ladies, and we were going to Las Vegas for 3 nights for Halloween. To say he was excited for this trip would be a slight understatement.

I mean, how could you NOT be?

Before I continue it’s worth pointing out Santiago has a lot going for him. He made a ton of money doing tech sales, drove a fast car, and was a fit guy and avid soccer player. His job routinely had him talking to politicians and celebrities and he has a sharp sense of humor.

That said, things in Las Vegas did not play out in Santiago’s favor. Friday night he got incredibly drunk and lost his wallet and phone at a pool hall- AFTER buying bottle service at a club and not remembering any of it. He did manage to track down his stuff the next day, but it was a rough start to the weekend.

Saturday night wasn’t much better. Santiago had an awesome trouser-snake charmer costume, but got kicked out of Heidi Klum’s Halloween party because it didn’t fit the costume guidelines.  We theorize they were just looking for excuses to kick guys out. So he went off with our third friend, while I stayed at the Heidi Klum party to bag a cougar I had been flirting with.

At around 3:30am the cougar, satiated from her hunt, kicked me out of her hotel room at which point I called Santiago to see what they were up to. As it turns out, he was livid- our third friend had ditched him to flirt with some other girls and left him with no room key. So we went back to the hotel and rested up for our third and final night of partying.

Time to nut up or shut up

Internet high five if you get the reference.

For our last night in Sin City we went up to a balcony club called the GhostBar at the Palms. The venue was awesome- outside 55 floors above the city lights with clear floors so you could see straight down.Things started decently, but we were only having mediocre luck opening sets and the guy:girl ratio was definitely not in our favor.

As the night went on I cut my foot on a shard of glass which left me off the dancefloor while our third friend managed to find a ladyfriend. We left the club late and, since we were all sharing a room, we let our buddy take the girl back while we sat downstairs in the food court at Sbarros.

That’s when Santiago and I got to talking. At this point I was about 6 months into my personal transformation so I started telling him about my thoughts on inner game and why I was focusing on improving myself instead of trying to make more money or learn new techniques for approaching women.

And then he started thinking about that and reflecting on his own experience over the past weekend and the months leading up to it. It turns out he realized he hated his job despite the good pay, and that he needed something to find a real passion he could pursue in his life. As he so elegantly put it in his half-drunk, half-asleep torpor:

A fast car that drives me to a job I hate isn’t making my life any awesome-er.

Three months later Santiago quit his job and started studying to go get his MBA. He takes his admission test this week. He’s also been seeing a kickass chick for the past 2 months and started studying Brazilian Jiu Jitsu- and he’s already earned his green belt.

How to have your own epiphany

The thing about an epiphany is that it isn’t something you need to know, it’s something that you need to realize. Even after reading Santiago’s story you may acknowledge that you have problems in your inner game you need to address, but until you realize them deep down it won’t mean anything.

I knew for a long time in my efforts to get shredded that I needed to clean up my diet and stop eating shitty junk food late at night. But every time someone would suggest ordering a pizza or breaking out a box of Oreos I’d crack. It took a five day binge eating and drinking bender that literally made me sick for me to wake up. Shortly thereafter I signed up for Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (this was a month before the Vegas trip) and gave myself a real reason to eat healthy besides pure vanity.

The common thread here is that men often have epiphanies at their low points. Unfortunately it often takes an external shock to make us really evaluate our lives.

“It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.”

-Fight Club

The good news is you CAN begin the journey of personal development without having a quarter life crisis of sorts. We’ll talk about this in-depth in other posts, but a true inner game master knows his purpose and where he’s going in life, no matter what other say or think of him. He’s comfortable in his own skin and isn’t afraid to face rejection or judgement from others. Lastly, he’s passionate about everything he does and his passion is contagious to everyone around him.

Learn from Santiago and reflect on your passions in life. Are you pursuing them with every chance you get, or are you letting life pass you by?

If you don’t love your own life, then why should a high-quality woman ever want to be a part of it?

Inner vs Outer Game

Okay guys, real talk.

What do you think it takes to attract the woman of your dreams? I mean what it REALLY takes…

Good looks? Social status? A sense of humor? Being sensitive? Money?

The REAL secret to attracting women: just be Brad Pitt.

Everyone has that one friend who seems to be good with women everywhere he goes, and on the surface it may seem like he has one or more of those areas figured out. He might be really good looking, or have a high paying job, or he might be that funny guy that makes people laugh.

A lot of guys will look at that and say “okay, if I can just make some more money or if I had 6-pack abs girls would be all over me.” This line of thinking couldn’t be further from the truth in what it takes to ACTUALLY attract women.

Yin and Yang

All the traits I listed above would fall under the category of “outer game.” Outer game is any sort of ability, technique, or something you have that makes you more appealing to women. A lot of pick up methods focus explicitly on outer game- what to say to a girl, or how to act around women in specific situations.

Outer game is a major component of getting good with women, no doubt about it, but it isn’t the complete picture. Unfortunately, it’s also where most guys stop when it comes to learning to attract women. It doesn’t help that a lot of the products and methods out there trying to help guys focus solely on outer game.

“Text a girl these 3 things to make her wildly attracted to you.”

“Use social proof to find the girl of your dreams.”

“5 sex tips to keep a girl coming back for more.”

etc. etc.

It makes for better marketing to say “use these 3 quick tips for overnight success with women.” But I GUARANTEE that any guy who is naturally good with women doesn’t even remotely think like this. They aren’t up in their heads thinking “okay I’m through the attraction building phase, time to get into comfort and start kino-escalating.”

Outer game is a additive process where you add stories and routines and gadgets and things to your life in order to make it seem more appealing to women. And that sort of makes sense- in order to get the girl of your dreams you need to make yourself into her male counterpart right? Yes and no.

To use an analogy: if you build a grandiose mansion on a shaky foundation it can collapse into a pile of rubble at the first sign of pressure. The guys over at the Art of Charm are a little more blunt about it:

It’s like putting whipped cream on shit.

Inner game is that foundation. If your inner game is weak then no matter what you add to your personality, women will still see you for what you really are. Even if you’re a well-paid executive with tons of connections, if you aren’t comfortable in your own skin women will notice. In that scenario, the only women you’ll attract are gold diggers and they’re only really attracted to that big bulge in your pants- your wallet.

Inner game isn’t about the little stuff like what to say or how to hold your body; it’s the much bigger picture of your relationship with yourself. Guys with solid inner game don’t worry about what to say to a girl because no matter what he says, he’s comfortable enough with himself that she can’t help but be attracted. Guys who are truly happy with their lives naturally exude warmth and confidence that women naturally pick up on, and it absolutely cannot be faked with some technique or pickup line.

This is why after I worked on my inner game with women I started getting better results in every aspect of my life, from getting promoted at work to getting stronger and ripped in the gym.

Unfortunately, most methods out there don’t teach inner game because it takes real time and effort. Inner game isn’t something you just wake up and have. You need to take an honest look at where you are in life and work on your weaknesses. Luckily, inner game IS learnable. If you have all kinds of negative thoughts and weak inner game you’re not a lost cause. I didn’t start to realize this until I was in my mid-20′s, and I know a lot of guys who didn’t realize it until they were in their 30′s!

You won’t change your inner game in a day, but today is as good a day as any to begin the journey. Are you ready?